The Cleaner

[ Engine starts ] -Hi, hi.

-Someone's happy.

-Probably still pissed.

-Simon, the breathalyzer.

-It won't register.

I've put two P under my tongue.

-That's never worked.

-I went to see The Mondays last night, didn't I?

-No way!

-So I'm 30.

I only went with you mother 'cause she's dirty -You went with my mum?

-Oh, put that back...

Were they any good, then?

-Oh, my God.

They were awesome.

Just like the old days.

-Oh, I can't believe you went to see the Happy Mondays and didn't get me a ticket.

-You could've come.

Weasel's Mum wouldn't let him out because he'd been nicking from her purse.

-Oh, bugger it.

-What happened here then?

-Oh, this is a mental one.

Holiday home here, next house along is a farm.

Old MacDonald's driving past, he sees it's being burgled, he decided he's Jason Statham, kicks the door in, and lets the poor bastard have it with both barrels.

-Oh, God.

Is he dead?

-No, but he's a mess.

Guess who it was?

-Who?

-Tubby.

-Tubby Rogers?

Ah, he was never going to be a brain surgeon, Tubs, was he?

-No, not anymore.

One of his arms got blown off.

-Oh, God.

Having two hands was sort of top of his list of best qualities, wasn't it?

-The area is secure of OSG and ready for a decontamination sweep.

-You watching "Line of Duty" again?

-I told him.

-Right, ta ta.

-Oh the owners in, and she doesn't like blood.

-Hello?

-Yes?

-Crime scene cleaner.

I'm here to clean up.

-Oh, um, well, it's through the kitchen.

I can't come down.

Blood makes me gip.

-[ Laughs ] Gip.

Right, well, we can't have the lady gipping, can we?

[ Singing indistinctly ] Ah, Tubby.

Course you had a massive hand.

"Hey, babe, just got back.

I love our little get away.

Here's a silly poem for you to read before bed.

It's called 'For Jamie.'

When we became we, I let I die, but she watches down with a smile from the sky.'"

Absolute... -What's...?

-Oh, I was just thinking about cats.

Aren't they...?

-Okay, um, I've made tea, but you're going to have to come and get it because I can't -- I can't go over there.

I don't want to see it.

-Blimey, you really don't like blood, do you?

-Don't, don't.

I'll heave if you even speak about it, honestly.

I can't.

Is it bad?

-Uh...yeah.

Quite bad.

-What happened to the burglar?

-Ah, poor Tubby.

Put it like this.

He's not going to play the piano again.

I'm joking.

He can't read music.

He can't read.

He can't drive.

Or see his kids.

Good job you weren't home, eh?

-I don't live here.

It's a holiday home.

Yeah, just come down from Manchester.

-Ooh, nice little hideaway.

-It's a nightmare, to be honest.

Who wants to holiday where they grew up?

-What?

You're not a Brummie.

-Yeah, I was born in Stourbridge, thank you.

-Do a bit of Brummie then.

-No.

-It's fine if you can't.

-No, I can.

I just don't want to under the circumstances.

-I've got a good way of getting back into it if you want, you know.

You just have to say the sentence, "I'm not fit to babysit."

-Mate, what's wrong with you?

-It works every time, honest.

-Yes, I know.

-Yeah, I'll show you, look.

Oi, you're not fit to babysit.

You're not fit to babysit.

-I'm perfectly fit to babysit.

-You ain't mums.

You ain't fit to babysit.

-I am.

-You're not fit.

-You're not fit to babysit.

-I'm fit to babysit.

-You're not fit to babysit.

[ Laughs ] -Maggie?

-Oh, my God.

Wicky?

[ Retches ] -Oh.

Don't you, because I'll -- [ Gags ] -[ Gagging ] A finger.

-It's just a finger.

[ Gags ] -Sorry.

I'll be outside.

-Yeah.

-[ Coughs ] -[ Groans ] -I managed to hold it in.

[ Sighs ] -I can't believe a bit of blood still does that to you.

-A bit?

It's like a pissed werewolf's been in there.

-And that's it, is it?

That's the first thing you're going to say to me after 20 years?

-Oh, it's never been 20 years, has it?

-Oh, it is.

I can give you the exact date if you want.

-Oh, what you doing here, Wicky?

Is this your job now, cleaner?

-Crime scene cleaner.

It's a bit more specialist like.

-You was the messiest bugger I've ever known.

-You can talk.

Taking your tights and your pants off all at once and leaving them all over the floor.

-[ Laughs ] I still do that.

A figure of eight you used to call it.

-Yeah, the smelly figure of eight.

-Smelly?

-Ah, it's good to see you, though.

Two houses now, is it, you flash twat?

-Sod off.

My husband bought it.

-Oh, oh, you got married.

-Of course I did, because I'm incredibly beautiful, and it's been years since we -- -Since you dumped me yeah.

-Did I?

I didn't, did I?

Did I?

I've got to make a call.

-Maggie?

-Yeah?

-Are you not going to ask if I'm married?

-Do I need to, Wicky?

-What do you mean?

-Well do you even have a partner?

-Yes, I have a partner.

-Oh, what's her name?

-Amanda Louise Hibert.

That's her full name, right.

-I would think so.

It's massive.

-Yeah, isn't it?

She's back, it seems.

And she writes...poems.

Here you are.

-Ah, no blood?

All clean?

-It is scientifically impossible for those to be any cleaner than they are.

-Hey, I found something you might like earlier.

Where is it?

-What are you doing now then?

You working?

Or do you just live off your super rich husband now?

-That's it, 1970s man.

I've got my own little gallery, for your information.

-Art?

-Yeah.

-Oh, no, that's good.

It's good that you stuck with it.

-[ Gasps ] -Glasto?

-Yeah, '91, '92?

-1990.

-Oh.

-Look at that, the whole gang, look.

-Look at them all.

What a bunch of losers.

Do you remember them all?

-Well, yeah.

-What was the weirdo's name?

-It's Weasel.

-Weasel.

I once watched him drink a glass of his own...for a bet.

-I saw him drink a glass of someone else's...last week just because he was thirsty.

-Wicky, you don't still go down the White Horse?

-Every Friday.

-No.

-It's better now like.

They've got Sky and a Tipping Point quiz machine.

-Bloody hell.

-Pretty rock 'n' roll place for us to get together, though, eh?

-Do you think?

-At a festival?

Are you joking?

Ah, forgotten the rush of a live band.

-We didn't see any live bands that weekend, Wicky.

I spent the whole of the Saturday in a medical tent with you.

-Huh, the bad trip.

-You was a right mess.

-You still got off with me, didn't you?

-Yes, well, you was vulnerable, and I've had therapy since.

So I no longer find weakness horny.

-I don't suppose you take drugs anymore, do you, you square?

-Oh, yeah, that's me, big square.

Or a mum, up to you.

-You've had kids?

-Yeah, I've got one.

Well, he's not a kid anymore.

He leaves uni soon.

-Oh.

Right, well, I better get on.

-Good.

-It's funny, I do remember you saying you never wanted kids.

-I didn't, did I?

-Oh, you did.

You definitely did.

You said they were parasites.

You said they're parasites that make your...flat.

-Huh, well, that proves what I know, because my...remain perky.

Well, too perky, if anything.

[ Gags ] Blood.

It's never been 20 years.

-No, it has, because I'm nearly 50, and you left me on the night of my 30th birthday.

Do you remember?

-Oh, God.

-"Oh, Jay, what did I do before we met?

Who was I?

Just a pooh stick waiting to be plucked from the water by a real man."

-Oh, yeah, right.

Because real men love pooh sticks.

-"When you wooed me, Jamie, my eyes opened like petals in spring.

You lit the first candle in this little heart."

-The first, yeah?

Alright, time to put the cat amongst the pigeons.

-Thought I'd save you a load of journeys.

-I hadn't taken any.

-What?

-Drugs at Glasto.

I hadn't taken any.

There was no bad trip.

-What are you talking about?

-I wanted to spend time with you, so I pretended.

I knew you'd look after me, so... -No, Wicky, you said you was hallucinating.

-Yeah, it was an act.

A brilliant act.

-No, you kept saying, "My hands are like meat.

My hands are as heavy as meat."

-My hands are like the heaviest meat, yeah.

Maggie!

Sweet though, right?

And 10 years later.

-No, it's bloody mental.

Are you all right?

You seem really wound up.

-Yes, I'm fine.

-[ Bells jingle ] -Bells.

I just think it's sweet I tried to get you on your own.

-Well, it backfired, didn't it, because we had to get a bloody taxi back to Brum.

-Yeah, with that weirdo.

Who takes a taxi to a festival?

-Besserman.

-Jamie Besserman, that little gimp.

-Mm, who was a hero that weekend because he took us home.

-Not really, Maggie.

He kept his meter on, he charged me.

-That's about right.

He was always going to make money, that boy.

That's not the reason why I married him, of course.

-No, not Besserman.

Besserman didn't pluck the pooh stick, Maggie.

You married Jamie Besserman?

Not being rude, Maggie, but he's a boring, money grabbing turd.

-He isn't boring.

-He's not boring?

He used to have a feather collection.

They weren't even good feathers.

Most of them were pigeon.

-What does it matter, Wicky?

-I just thought, when you and I split up, you'd end up with someone good.

Not a taxi driver with a massive head.

-Massive head?

-Grow up.

He's a pumpkin head.

-[ Sighs ] -Hey, and I'll tell you something else.

He looks like someone balancing a wheel of cheese on his head.

He stopped talking long enough about his taxi empire to have a kid, then, did he?

-Piss off.

He worked so hard in the early days, he was barely home.

-Well, that's a result.

You wouldn't have to listen to his rubbish stories.

-Oh, come on.

-You come on.

I once sat in a pub for an hour listening to him tell me about a time he did a massive hop.

-He was bloody good to me.

He worked his arse off so I could get that gallery.

-Well, who wouldn't have?

I didn't know you were that serious about your art.

-Well, you never asked.

I only took up painting to avoid being dragged down that bloody pub.

-The Horse?

You loved it down the Horse.

-I once spent the entire weekend watching you and your mates perfect an impersonation of a local butcher.

-Bob Taylor?

Oh, my.

If you want some chops or some offcuts that's fine, but if you want something more specialist like sirloin, you'll have to come back on Saturday.

What a legend.

Ah, not with us anymore, sadly.

Cancer.

-Oh, God, it's like being back down there.

-Maggie.

Well, show us some of your art then.

I'm interested.

Oh, this is the sort of stuff you're doing.

-Yeah, we sell a lot of those.

-It's sweet, but I still can't believe you married that taxi driver, but it's sweet.

-That was just a practise one when my Tommy was born.

It's his 20th tomorrow.

-He's 20?

And when did you and Besserman get together?

-Oh, don't start.

It was way after we broke up.

-Oh, my God.

-What?

-I knew it.

-Knew what?

-I knew it as soon as I saw him.

My sweet child.

He's got Dad's eyes.

Now you laugh at me.

You deny me my son for 20 years, then you laugh at me.

Then I deny my son!

Plastic?

You would emboss my son upon plastic?

-He's not yours, you...

He's 5'3" and likes vegetables.

-Right, well, you must have got together with Besserman pretty quickly after we split up, Maggie.

-Well, we obviously did, but, Wicky, what would you have done?

Taught him how to do impressions of a local butcher?

[ Laughs ] -Oh, yeah, that's funny, is it?

[ Laughs ] Is this funny?

-[ Gags ] Blood.

-Yeah.

-Wicky, close it.

-Away with you.

-[ Coughs ] -Gip queen.

-[ Gagging ] Wicky?

-It's safe.

-Ooh, you're good, you, aren't you?

-Yeah.

-Sorry, I was a bit mean before.

-We had a good time, didn't we?

-Course we did.

Do you want another cup of tea?

-Yeah.

"When you make love to me, I know that I've never been touched before.

All previous lovers were dust thrown into the wind to tickle and tease me before I opened my petals for you."

Oh, come on.

-You come on.

-Do you remember our holiday to Greece?

-I do.

-Perfect, wasn't it?

-No, you brought Weasel.

-Yeah, yeah, I had to bring him, didn't I?

He'd just had a hernia operation.

-[ Sighs ] -That's not the reason I remember Greece anyway.

-Eh?

-Come on, we were shagging for the whole trip, weren't we?

-Oh, yeah, it was a bit early days frenetic, wasn't it?

[ Both laugh ] Yeah, yeah.

-We always did have good sex.

-We did, yeah.

-What was that?

-What?

-That?

-No, nothing.

No, it was good.

It was good.

-What?

-Well, it was a bit samey.

-Samey?

-Yeah, but that's all right.

I mean, it's not your fault.

You're not built for a variety of angles, are you?

You're so tall.

-I'm all about the angles.

People know me for the angles.

-Wicky, it's like being taken from behind by the Eiffel Tower, and you can't go on top, which is -- -Are you actually joking?

I'm amazing on top.

-It's easy for you to say.

You're not trapped under this.

-You're...at art.

-I knew it.

You've been dying to say that.

-Well, there you go.

Sorry I wasn't the first one to open up your dusty petals or whatever.

-What?

-Yeah, don't even.

I found the letters, and I don't even feel bad about reading them.

Honestly, I feel like I dodged a bullet.

I'm amazed you weren't gipping while you were writing these.

"Oh, I love our little holiday home.

As soon as I see you, it makes my pooky all wet."

Named your vagina, have you?

You monster.

"Even if I have to share you with her --" Share you with her, whoever that -- because the -- the sharing is, um, with... -Yeah.

I never sent Jamie letters, Wicky.

-These aren't your letters.

-They're not my letters.

-So these would have been written by someone to -- -To my husband, yeah.

-That's what the, uh... with you.

-What a knob head.

-She means Besserman.

-"Oh, Jay, what did I do before we met?

You deflowered me."

I hope it wasn't in my bathroom.

-There she goes, yeah.

-"When you make love to me, I know that I've never been touched before."

What?

-Bull... -Jay?

He hated my uncle, Jay.

That is not a proper use of an apostrophe, look.

-Who calls a snatch a pooky?

-[ Laughs ] Ugh!

-Jamie Besserman.

This is the size of his head.

-This is what I think of your pooh sticks, pooky.

Was...in bed anyway.

-Ah, I'm so sorry, Mags.

-It's okay.

Do you know what?

I think I always knew he was cheating, really, I don't know.

-Yeah.

He must have been meeting her here for years, then, was he?

-Yeah, on business trips.

Brainstorming new ideas, eh?

Alone.

What a bastard.

In our holiday home, too.

-Bet you wish you'd come to that birthday party now, eh?

-Oh, here we go.

-Ahh.

-[ Laughs ] -You missed a great party.

Forward slash, faithful life partner.

I was waiting for you, you know?

Had such a bloody laugh down the pub.

Then the boys had organized that rave.

I felt so stupidly free, but I was looking for you.

And you just never came.

Maggie!

-I know.

-You were the only one I wanted there.

-I'm here now.

Right, trousers off, lie down.

-What do you mean?

-Come on, Wicky.

We both know it only works one way for us.

-It does not only work one way for us.

You just watch.

There you go, this is nearly work.

-Nearly, yeah.

-Well, go up on your tiptoes.

-That's going to hurt my feet.

-Alright, nana.

-[ Laughs ] -You could get on these.

-You're not jacking me up.

I'm not a bloody car.

What's this?

-Just looked it up on line.

It's froggy style.

-Who's the frog?

-I'm the frog!

Ah!

-Oh, you all right?

-There.

What's wrong with this?

-How long can you keep that up?

You've got no upper body strength, love.

-Hey!

-[ Laughs ] Oh, this is better than sex anyway.

Suck my toe.

-Stop being weird.

-[ Laughs ] -You still get lower back problems?

-Yeah, it does spasm a bit, yeah.

-Yeah.

Put me down.

[ Grunting ] -Yeah.

Maybe it didn't work.

-I told you.

See, just like the old days.

-Just like the old days.

-[ Sighs ] -Stay still.

-Sorry.

-I've got a point to prove, too.

-What are you going to do?

-Go home for my son's birthday.

-Really?

-Yeah.

I have to be there for his birthday.

You understand that, being his dad.

-Uh... What about Besserman?

Are you going to forgive him?

-What do you think?

-[ Sighs ] -What?

-Nothing.

-I know that face.

Say what's on your mind.

-It's funny, isn't it?

I've thought loads over the years about what I'd say to you, but now you're here, I haven't got a voice.

-Well, what would he say?

-Who?

-The legend of course, Bob Taylor.

-Oh, oh.

Well, I suppose that, fundamentally speaking... -[ Laughs ] -...if I was being honest, if I was speaking, if I may, from the center of my soul.

-Get on with it, Bob.

[ Laughs ] -That since you left, I have been waiting for you.

And that with every birthday that passes, I wonder if, this time, you'll come back.

-Oh, Wicky.

I have to go.

-He's not a big man, is he, Besserman?

-Yeah, because he's the freaky sized one.

Oh.

-Off then?

-Yeah.

-Good.

Listen, I've got stuff to do.

I've got to fumigate the place anyway.

-Of course, yeah, yeah.

-So, yeah, do a good job, isn't it?

I guess, uh, we'll never know, then, will we?

You know, what would have happened if you turned up to the birthday.

-I think we do, yeah.

Loads of nights in the White Horse watching a man drink his own... -You can't go back to him.

-I'm not going back to him, Wicky.

-Well, good, that's good.

You left me for the wrong bloke.

-I didn't leave you for Jamie.

Or because of your weird friends or because of any other conspiracy theory.

-Right, okay, so I'll pack, and I'll -- -No.

We had our time, Wicky.

And a bloody good time it was, too, but it just wasn't enough.

Is it enough for you anymore?

I mean, the Happy Mondays are not going to tour forever, are they?

[ Both chuckle ] -[ Sighs ] -Yep, still... - Son, I'm 30 I only went with your mother 'cause she's dirty And I don't have a decent bone in me What you get is just what you see, yeah, I see it -Lads, let's stay like this forever!

-Hey!

-Yeah!

- I feed me I never help or give to the needy Come on and see me -Take me away from all this.

-Where to?

-Anywhere, Jamie.

Anywhere.

[ Engine starts ] - So come on and say it Come on and tell me twice I said, "Dad, you're a shabby You run around and groove like a baggy You're only here just out of habit [ Cellphone rings ] -Alright.

-Well, well, well.

-Yeah, I've just finished.

It was a messy one, very messy.

-I'm sure you've done a lovely job, Mr. Mop.

-Yeah, of course I have.

I'll tell you what, though.

First job in years that's made me gip.

Don't tell anyone, eh?

-Right, well, you buy me a drink when I see you on Friday, and I'll -- I'll keep it quiet.

-Friday?

Am I seeing you on Friday?

-Yeah, at the Horse.

It's your birthday, isn't it?

-Oh, yeah.

Yeah, it is.

-See you then, then.

-See you then.

- Go on and say it Yippee-ippee-ay-ay- ay-yey-yey I had to crucify some brother today And I don't hear what you gotta say So come on and say it Come on and tell me twice